Xtras Episode 3: Satanus

Here is the second rejected Zarjaz script, guest starring Satanus, The Black Tyrannosaur…

Needless to say Satanus is Copyright Rebellion and is used here entirely without permission.

Xtras

L. Robson

PAGE 1:

1: An ordinary office door, with the legend DAVIS COMIC AGENCY on the frosted glass window.

VOICE (from door):

I’VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT AT 10:30…?

2: We’re in a waiting room now; at the reception desk stands DAVE, dressed in casual clothes. Behind the desk is a bored looking RECEPTIONIST.

RECEPTIONIST:

IF YOU’D LIKE TO TAKE A SEAT, MR DAVIS WILL BE WITH YOU AS SOON AS HE CAN.

3: As Dave walks out of the panel, the Receptionist looks past him at someone else who we can’t see yet.

RECEPTIONIST:

SORRY, SATANUS, BUT MR DAVIS IS RUNNING LATE.

4: Wide shot of the waiting room. A bored looking SATANUS sits in a chair, reading newspaper. Dave, in the chair next to him, looks up, surprised. NB: Satanus has to look like he does in The Cursed Earth.

SATANUS:

Hmm…

DAVE:

SORRY, MATE. DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE.

5: Satanus reads the newspaper disdainfully; he looks mildly annoyed rather than seriously angry. Dave looks at him, surprised.

SATANUS:

WONDER WHAT DELIGHTS HE’S GOT LINED UP FOR ME THIS TIME.

DAVE:

EH?

SATANUS:

ANOTHER C.S.I. AUDITION, PERHAPS? OR MAYBE IT’S PRISON BREAK, THIS TIME. BECAUSE, OF COURSE, A DINOSAUR IS SUCH A NATURAL, EVERY DAY SIGHT IN A PRISON.

6: Satanus looks down at a slightly bemused Dave condescendingly; there’s a hint of bitterness there, too.

DAVE:

YOU CAN’T HAVE TROUBLE GETTING WORK, SURELY. I MEAN, YOU’RE A TYRANNOSAUR.

SATANUS:

YES, BUT I DON’T LOOK LIKE ONE, THOUGH, DO I?

LINK:

EVER SINCE JURASSIC BLOODY PARK CAME OUT, THEY’VE ONLY WANTED TO CAST ‘REALISTIC’ DINOSAURS.

LINK:

THE MOST HIGH PROFILE JOB I’VE HAD SINCE WAS A COUPLE OF CAMEOS’S AS THE DINOSAUR IN THE BATCAVE — AND THEN THEY DECIDED TO REPLACE ME WITH A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT TO SAVE COSTS.

7: Satanus looks down at Dave, fed up. Dave looks back up at him, actually concerned at what he thinks is coming.

DAVE:

Right…

SATANUS:

THERE’S ONLY ONE THING LEFT FOR ME NOW.

DAVE:

Uh…

PAGE 2:

1: Satanus continues to look fed up. Dave looks somewhat relieved.

SATANUS:

PLASTIC SURGERY.

DAVE:

THAT’S A BIT DRASTIC, ISN’T IT?

SATANUS:

LOOK, I CAN’T LIVE ON REPRINT FEES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I GOT INTO THIS BUSINESS FOR THE LOVE OF THE WORK, AND THE SIMPLE TRUTH IS, I CAN’T WORK LOOKING LIKE THIS.

2: Satanus folds his paper up in an increasingly disdainful manner. Dave watches him carefully, unsure of what to make of it all.

SATANUS:

ALL THE WORK I PUT IN AT RADA, ALL THOSE YEARS UNDERSTUDYING FOR SPIDER-MAN, TREADING THE BOARDS OFF BROADWAY… ALL SO I CAN BE TOLD THAT I DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT LOOK.

DAVE:

Uh…

3: Satanus pulls sarky faces as he talks. Dave continues to look bewildered.

SATANUS:

IT’S ALWAYS “OH, I’M SORRY, SATANUS, BUT YOU JUST DON’T LOOK TYRANNOSAURUSY ENOUGH” OR “DINOSAURS AREN’T REALLY IN FASHION THIS SEASON.”

4: Satanus walks toward the door of the office. Over to the side of the panel, the Receptionist ushers him in. Dave watches him go.

RECEPTIONIST:

MR DAVIS WILL SEE YOU NOW, SATANUS.

SATANUS (small):

I SWEAR, IF HE’S GOING TO OFFER ME ANOTHER ROLE IN EASTENDERS, I’LL EAT HIM.

5: We can see the back end of the dinosaur squeezing through the office door.

DAVIS (behind door):

AH! SATANUS!

6: We’re looking directly at the now closed door. Nothing else is visible in the panel.

7: Exact same panel.

SATANUS (behind door, large, jag):

THE LEAD IN THE BRITNEY SPEARS STORY?!

8: Dave stands at the reception desk, talking to the receptionist.

DAVE:

I THINK I’LL CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT.

Xtras Episode 2: Nemesis The Warlock

This was a script submitted to Zarjaz, the 2000AD fanzine, but, due to the ‘Pat Mills Embargo’, the editors decided against publishing it so as not to upset the 2000AD editors.

So, here it is, in the probably the only way it’s ever going to see publication…

Xtras (2: Nemesis The Warlock)

L. Robson

PAGE 1:

1: Close up shot of TORQUEMADA in his full glory, standing at a podium. Behind him, a legion of Terminators stand ready.

TORQUEMADA:

ONCE AGAIN, I IMPLORE YOU: BEWARE THE DEVIANT ON YOUR DOORSTEP, THE STRANGER IN YOUR SITTING ROOM, THE OUTLANDER IN YOUR OUTHOUSE! OH, YOU MAY MOCK, BUT YOU WON’T BE LAUGHING WHEN I’M PERSONALLY THROWING YOU INTO THE VATS!

LINK:

YOU ALL KNOW THE FATE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT PURE, DON’T BEHAVE AND ARE NOT VIGILANT!

2: Torquemada now holds a rubber chicken in one hand. Behind him, some of the Terminators shake their heads and get ready to walk away – they generally show their annoyance and disapprovement at the chicken gag.

TORQUEMADA:

THIS CHICKEN HAS NOT BEEN VIGILANT–

 

VOICE (off, jag):

CUT! CUT! CUT!

3: We’re now on the ‘set’ of the comic; it looks more like the set of a film. The exasperated DIRECTOR of the strip and Torquemada stand arguing, neither of them ready to see the other’s point of view. Behind them, DAVE, dressed as a Terminator, has taken off his helmet, and is heading toward a table with the refreshments. The other ‘Terminators’ just mill around, chatting, wandering off set, etc.

DIRECTOR:

WHAT’RE YOU DOING?!

TORQUEMADA:

I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE FUNNY!

 

DIRECTOR:

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD!

4: A fed up looking Dave stands at the huge urn on the table, pouring hot water into a plastic cup. He looks up at someone off panel.

VOICE (off):

ARE THEY AT IT AGAIN?

 

DAVE:

‘FRAID SO, YEAH.

5: Dave stands next to the table, looking at the scene off panel. Next to him stands NEMESIS in his Gothic Empire outfit – however, this Nemesis has the head of an ordinary, blonde haired human. He’s holding a large Nemesis head under his arm. In his other hand, he’s holding a plastic cup.

NEMESIS:

CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALREADY FOUR, AND WE’RE ONLY ON THE SECOND SCENE.

 

LINK:

MY WIFE’S GOING TO KILL ME IF I’M LATE HOME AGAIN.

6: Nemesis indicates to the scene off panel. Dave continues to watch.

NEMESIS:

WE NEVER USED TO HAVE THIS TROUBLE, YOU KNOW.

 

DAVE:

YEAH?

 

NEMESIS:

EVER SINCE HE WENT TO FRANCE AND MADE A CAMEO IN A JERRY LEWIS COMIC, HE THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT COMEDY.

LINK:

IT’S ALRIGHT FOR HIM AND NEMESIS. THEY GET PAID BY THE HOUR.

7: Dave looks at Nemesis, surprised. Nemesis waves a dismissive hand.

DAVE:

AREN’T YOU NEMESIS?

 

NEMESIS:

ME? NAH, I’M JUST THE STUNT NEMESIS. THE REAL ONE’S IN HIS TRAILER SULKING AGAIN.

PAGE 2:

1: Dave drinks his tea as he talks to a nonchalant Nemesis.

DAVE:

SULKING?

 

NEMESIS:

YEAH, HE WAS TURNED DOWN FOR A PART IN THAT NEW COMIC ADAPTION OF SORRY. THEY THOUGHT IT MIGHT’VE BEEN A BIT TOO MUCH REPLACING RONNIE CORBETT WITH A DEMONIC ALIEN.

2: Dave and Nemesis chat casually. Nemesis looks distinctly unimpressed.

DAVE:

SO, WHAT’VE YOU GOT LINED UP AFTER THIS, THEN?

 

NEMESIS:

I’M DOING SOME STUNT WORK FOR SPIDER-MAN. HOW ABOUT YOU?

 

DAVE:

ISSUE TWO OF A CATHERINE COOKSON COMIC ADAPTION.

3: Torquemada and the exasperated Director draw their argument to a close. In the background, Dave and Nemesis watch; Dave puts his cup down on the trolley.

NEMESIS:

IF WE CAN GET THROUGH THE REST OF THIS STRIP, FIRST.

 

DIRECTOR (small):

NOW, PLEASE CAN YOU JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

 

TORQUEMADA (small):

BUT IT’S NOT FUNNY!

4: The Director throws his arms up in frustration. In the background, Dave shakes Nemesis’ hand as he gets ready to go back on set.

DIRECTOR (small):

I DON’T CARE! I JUST WANT YOU TO READ THE SCRIPT!

 

DAVE:

BETTER GO. NICE TALKING TO YOU, MATE.

 

NEMESIS:

YOU, TOO.

5: Wide view. Everyone is taking their places again. Torquemada has his back to the reader now; while someone holds a clapperboard in front of him. The director is walking off the set, shouting at his crew.

DIRECTOR:

FROM THE TOP!

6: Torquemada turns around, but he’s drawn a clown’s face on his helmet.

TORQUEMADA:

MY FELLOW HUMANS!

DIRECTOR (off, jag):

CUT!!