Xtras Episode 2: Nemesis The Warlock

This was a script submitted to Zarjaz, the 2000AD fanzine, but, due to the ‘Pat Mills Embargo’, the editors decided against publishing it so as not to upset the 2000AD editors.

So, here it is, in the probably the only way it’s ever going to see publication…

Xtras (2: Nemesis The Warlock)

L. Robson

PAGE 1:

1: Close up shot of TORQUEMADA in his full glory, standing at a podium. Behind him, a legion of Terminators stand ready.

TORQUEMADA:

ONCE AGAIN, I IMPLORE YOU: BEWARE THE DEVIANT ON YOUR DOORSTEP, THE STRANGER IN YOUR SITTING ROOM, THE OUTLANDER IN YOUR OUTHOUSE! OH, YOU MAY MOCK, BUT YOU WON’T BE LAUGHING WHEN I’M PERSONALLY THROWING YOU INTO THE VATS!

LINK:

YOU ALL KNOW THE FATE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT PURE, DON’T BEHAVE AND ARE NOT VIGILANT!

2: Torquemada now holds a rubber chicken in one hand. Behind him, some of the Terminators shake their heads and get ready to walk away – they generally show their annoyance and disapprovement at the chicken gag.

TORQUEMADA:

THIS CHICKEN HAS NOT BEEN VIGILANT–

 

VOICE (off, jag):

CUT! CUT! CUT!

3: We’re now on the ‘set’ of the comic; it looks more like the set of a film. The exasperated DIRECTOR of the strip and Torquemada stand arguing, neither of them ready to see the other’s point of view. Behind them, DAVE, dressed as a Terminator, has taken off his helmet, and is heading toward a table with the refreshments. The other ‘Terminators’ just mill around, chatting, wandering off set, etc.

DIRECTOR:

WHAT’RE YOU DOING?!

TORQUEMADA:

I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE FUNNY!

 

DIRECTOR:

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD!

4: A fed up looking Dave stands at the huge urn on the table, pouring hot water into a plastic cup. He looks up at someone off panel.

VOICE (off):

ARE THEY AT IT AGAIN?

 

DAVE:

‘FRAID SO, YEAH.

5: Dave stands next to the table, looking at the scene off panel. Next to him stands NEMESIS in his Gothic Empire outfit – however, this Nemesis has the head of an ordinary, blonde haired human. He’s holding a large Nemesis head under his arm. In his other hand, he’s holding a plastic cup.

NEMESIS:

CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALREADY FOUR, AND WE’RE ONLY ON THE SECOND SCENE.

 

LINK:

MY WIFE’S GOING TO KILL ME IF I’M LATE HOME AGAIN.

6: Nemesis indicates to the scene off panel. Dave continues to watch.

NEMESIS:

WE NEVER USED TO HAVE THIS TROUBLE, YOU KNOW.

 

DAVE:

YEAH?

 

NEMESIS:

EVER SINCE HE WENT TO FRANCE AND MADE A CAMEO IN A JERRY LEWIS COMIC, HE THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT COMEDY.

LINK:

IT’S ALRIGHT FOR HIM AND NEMESIS. THEY GET PAID BY THE HOUR.

7: Dave looks at Nemesis, surprised. Nemesis waves a dismissive hand.

DAVE:

AREN’T YOU NEMESIS?

 

NEMESIS:

ME? NAH, I’M JUST THE STUNT NEMESIS. THE REAL ONE’S IN HIS TRAILER SULKING AGAIN.

PAGE 2:

1: Dave drinks his tea as he talks to a nonchalant Nemesis.

DAVE:

SULKING?

 

NEMESIS:

YEAH, HE WAS TURNED DOWN FOR A PART IN THAT NEW COMIC ADAPTION OF SORRY. THEY THOUGHT IT MIGHT’VE BEEN A BIT TOO MUCH REPLACING RONNIE CORBETT WITH A DEMONIC ALIEN.

2: Dave and Nemesis chat casually. Nemesis looks distinctly unimpressed.

DAVE:

SO, WHAT’VE YOU GOT LINED UP AFTER THIS, THEN?

 

NEMESIS:

I’M DOING SOME STUNT WORK FOR SPIDER-MAN. HOW ABOUT YOU?

 

DAVE:

ISSUE TWO OF A CATHERINE COOKSON COMIC ADAPTION.

3: Torquemada and the exasperated Director draw their argument to a close. In the background, Dave and Nemesis watch; Dave puts his cup down on the trolley.

NEMESIS:

IF WE CAN GET THROUGH THE REST OF THIS STRIP, FIRST.

 

DIRECTOR (small):

NOW, PLEASE CAN YOU JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

 

TORQUEMADA (small):

BUT IT’S NOT FUNNY!

4: The Director throws his arms up in frustration. In the background, Dave shakes Nemesis’ hand as he gets ready to go back on set.

DIRECTOR (small):

I DON’T CARE! I JUST WANT YOU TO READ THE SCRIPT!

 

DAVE:

BETTER GO. NICE TALKING TO YOU, MATE.

 

NEMESIS:

YOU, TOO.

5: Wide view. Everyone is taking their places again. Torquemada has his back to the reader now; while someone holds a clapperboard in front of him. The director is walking off the set, shouting at his crew.

DIRECTOR:

FROM THE TOP!

6: Torquemada turns around, but he’s drawn a clown’s face on his helmet.

TORQUEMADA:

MY FELLOW HUMANS!

DIRECTOR (off, jag):

CUT!!