Xtras Episode 3: Satanus

Here is the second rejected Zarjaz script, guest starring Satanus, The Black Tyrannosaur…

Needless to say Satanus is Copyright Rebellion and is used here entirely without permission.

Xtras

L. Robson

PAGE 1:

1: An ordinary office door, with the legend DAVIS COMIC AGENCY on the frosted glass window.

VOICE (from door):

I’VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT AT 10:30…?

2: We’re in a waiting room now; at the reception desk stands DAVE, dressed in casual clothes. Behind the desk is a bored looking RECEPTIONIST.

RECEPTIONIST:

IF YOU’D LIKE TO TAKE A SEAT, MR DAVIS WILL BE WITH YOU AS SOON AS HE CAN.

3: As Dave walks out of the panel, the Receptionist looks past him at someone else who we can’t see yet.

RECEPTIONIST:

SORRY, SATANUS, BUT MR DAVIS IS RUNNING LATE.

4: Wide shot of the waiting room. A bored looking SATANUS sits in a chair, reading newspaper. Dave, in the chair next to him, looks up, surprised. NB: Satanus has to look like he does in The Cursed Earth.

SATANUS:

Hmm…

DAVE:

SORRY, MATE. DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE.

5: Satanus reads the newspaper disdainfully; he looks mildly annoyed rather than seriously angry. Dave looks at him, surprised.

SATANUS:

WONDER WHAT DELIGHTS HE’S GOT LINED UP FOR ME THIS TIME.

DAVE:

EH?

SATANUS:

ANOTHER C.S.I. AUDITION, PERHAPS? OR MAYBE IT’S PRISON BREAK, THIS TIME. BECAUSE, OF COURSE, A DINOSAUR IS SUCH A NATURAL, EVERY DAY SIGHT IN A PRISON.

6: Satanus looks down at a slightly bemused Dave condescendingly; there’s a hint of bitterness there, too.

DAVE:

YOU CAN’T HAVE TROUBLE GETTING WORK, SURELY. I MEAN, YOU’RE A TYRANNOSAUR.

SATANUS:

YES, BUT I DON’T LOOK LIKE ONE, THOUGH, DO I?

LINK:

EVER SINCE JURASSIC BLOODY PARK CAME OUT, THEY’VE ONLY WANTED TO CAST ‘REALISTIC’ DINOSAURS.

LINK:

THE MOST HIGH PROFILE JOB I’VE HAD SINCE WAS A COUPLE OF CAMEOS’S AS THE DINOSAUR IN THE BATCAVE — AND THEN THEY DECIDED TO REPLACE ME WITH A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT TO SAVE COSTS.

7: Satanus looks down at Dave, fed up. Dave looks back up at him, actually concerned at what he thinks is coming.

DAVE:

Right…

SATANUS:

THERE’S ONLY ONE THING LEFT FOR ME NOW.

DAVE:

Uh…

PAGE 2:

1: Satanus continues to look fed up. Dave looks somewhat relieved.

SATANUS:

PLASTIC SURGERY.

DAVE:

THAT’S A BIT DRASTIC, ISN’T IT?

SATANUS:

LOOK, I CAN’T LIVE ON REPRINT FEES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I GOT INTO THIS BUSINESS FOR THE LOVE OF THE WORK, AND THE SIMPLE TRUTH IS, I CAN’T WORK LOOKING LIKE THIS.

2: Satanus folds his paper up in an increasingly disdainful manner. Dave watches him carefully, unsure of what to make of it all.

SATANUS:

ALL THE WORK I PUT IN AT RADA, ALL THOSE YEARS UNDERSTUDYING FOR SPIDER-MAN, TREADING THE BOARDS OFF BROADWAY… ALL SO I CAN BE TOLD THAT I DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT LOOK.

DAVE:

Uh…

3: Satanus pulls sarky faces as he talks. Dave continues to look bewildered.

SATANUS:

IT’S ALWAYS “OH, I’M SORRY, SATANUS, BUT YOU JUST DON’T LOOK TYRANNOSAURUSY ENOUGH” OR “DINOSAURS AREN’T REALLY IN FASHION THIS SEASON.”

4: Satanus walks toward the door of the office. Over to the side of the panel, the Receptionist ushers him in. Dave watches him go.

RECEPTIONIST:

MR DAVIS WILL SEE YOU NOW, SATANUS.

SATANUS (small):

I SWEAR, IF HE’S GOING TO OFFER ME ANOTHER ROLE IN EASTENDERS, I’LL EAT HIM.

5: We can see the back end of the dinosaur squeezing through the office door.

DAVIS (behind door):

AH! SATANUS!

6: We’re looking directly at the now closed door. Nothing else is visible in the panel.

7: Exact same panel.

SATANUS (behind door, large, jag):

THE LEAD IN THE BRITNEY SPEARS STORY?!

8: Dave stands at the reception desk, talking to the receptionist.

DAVE:

I THINK I’LL CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT.

Xtras Episode 2: Nemesis The Warlock

This was a script submitted to Zarjaz, the 2000AD fanzine, but, due to the ‘Pat Mills Embargo’, the editors decided against publishing it so as not to upset the 2000AD editors.

So, here it is, in the probably the only way it’s ever going to see publication…

Xtras (2: Nemesis The Warlock)

L. Robson

PAGE 1:

1: Close up shot of TORQUEMADA in his full glory, standing at a podium. Behind him, a legion of Terminators stand ready.

TORQUEMADA:

ONCE AGAIN, I IMPLORE YOU: BEWARE THE DEVIANT ON YOUR DOORSTEP, THE STRANGER IN YOUR SITTING ROOM, THE OUTLANDER IN YOUR OUTHOUSE! OH, YOU MAY MOCK, BUT YOU WON’T BE LAUGHING WHEN I’M PERSONALLY THROWING YOU INTO THE VATS!

LINK:

YOU ALL KNOW THE FATE OF THOSE WHO ARE NOT PURE, DON’T BEHAVE AND ARE NOT VIGILANT!

2: Torquemada now holds a rubber chicken in one hand. Behind him, some of the Terminators shake their heads and get ready to walk away – they generally show their annoyance and disapprovement at the chicken gag.

TORQUEMADA:

THIS CHICKEN HAS NOT BEEN VIGILANT–

 

VOICE (off, jag):

CUT! CUT! CUT!

3: We’re now on the ‘set’ of the comic; it looks more like the set of a film. The exasperated DIRECTOR of the strip and Torquemada stand arguing, neither of them ready to see the other’s point of view. Behind them, DAVE, dressed as a Terminator, has taken off his helmet, and is heading toward a table with the refreshments. The other ‘Terminators’ just mill around, chatting, wandering off set, etc.

DIRECTOR:

WHAT’RE YOU DOING?!

TORQUEMADA:

I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE FUNNY!

 

DIRECTOR:

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD!

4: A fed up looking Dave stands at the huge urn on the table, pouring hot water into a plastic cup. He looks up at someone off panel.

VOICE (off):

ARE THEY AT IT AGAIN?

 

DAVE:

‘FRAID SO, YEAH.

5: Dave stands next to the table, looking at the scene off panel. Next to him stands NEMESIS in his Gothic Empire outfit – however, this Nemesis has the head of an ordinary, blonde haired human. He’s holding a large Nemesis head under his arm. In his other hand, he’s holding a plastic cup.

NEMESIS:

CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALREADY FOUR, AND WE’RE ONLY ON THE SECOND SCENE.

 

LINK:

MY WIFE’S GOING TO KILL ME IF I’M LATE HOME AGAIN.

6: Nemesis indicates to the scene off panel. Dave continues to watch.

NEMESIS:

WE NEVER USED TO HAVE THIS TROUBLE, YOU KNOW.

 

DAVE:

YEAH?

 

NEMESIS:

EVER SINCE HE WENT TO FRANCE AND MADE A CAMEO IN A JERRY LEWIS COMIC, HE THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT COMEDY.

LINK:

IT’S ALRIGHT FOR HIM AND NEMESIS. THEY GET PAID BY THE HOUR.

7: Dave looks at Nemesis, surprised. Nemesis waves a dismissive hand.

DAVE:

AREN’T YOU NEMESIS?

 

NEMESIS:

ME? NAH, I’M JUST THE STUNT NEMESIS. THE REAL ONE’S IN HIS TRAILER SULKING AGAIN.

PAGE 2:

1: Dave drinks his tea as he talks to a nonchalant Nemesis.

DAVE:

SULKING?

 

NEMESIS:

YEAH, HE WAS TURNED DOWN FOR A PART IN THAT NEW COMIC ADAPTION OF SORRY. THEY THOUGHT IT MIGHT’VE BEEN A BIT TOO MUCH REPLACING RONNIE CORBETT WITH A DEMONIC ALIEN.

2: Dave and Nemesis chat casually. Nemesis looks distinctly unimpressed.

DAVE:

SO, WHAT’VE YOU GOT LINED UP AFTER THIS, THEN?

 

NEMESIS:

I’M DOING SOME STUNT WORK FOR SPIDER-MAN. HOW ABOUT YOU?

 

DAVE:

ISSUE TWO OF A CATHERINE COOKSON COMIC ADAPTION.

3: Torquemada and the exasperated Director draw their argument to a close. In the background, Dave and Nemesis watch; Dave puts his cup down on the trolley.

NEMESIS:

IF WE CAN GET THROUGH THE REST OF THIS STRIP, FIRST.

 

DIRECTOR (small):

NOW, PLEASE CAN YOU JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT!

 

TORQUEMADA (small):

BUT IT’S NOT FUNNY!

4: The Director throws his arms up in frustration. In the background, Dave shakes Nemesis’ hand as he gets ready to go back on set.

DIRECTOR (small):

I DON’T CARE! I JUST WANT YOU TO READ THE SCRIPT!

 

DAVE:

BETTER GO. NICE TALKING TO YOU, MATE.

 

NEMESIS:

YOU, TOO.

5: Wide view. Everyone is taking their places again. Torquemada has his back to the reader now; while someone holds a clapperboard in front of him. The director is walking off the set, shouting at his crew.

DIRECTOR:

FROM THE TOP!

6: Torquemada turns around, but he’s drawn a clown’s face on his helmet.

TORQUEMADA:

MY FELLOW HUMANS!

DIRECTOR (off, jag):

CUT!!

A is A

This is my script submission to Avatar Press. The submission guidelines said that you had to use a character owned by Avatar, so I took on Pandora and tried to do something different with her. Obviously, it didn’t fly because I’ve heard nothing back from Avatar about it…

Pandora is Copyright Avatar Press and used entirely without permission.

A IS A

PAGE 1:

1: We open on a wide shot of an apartment building somewhere in New York. It’s early-morning; the sun is out, the birds are singing and all is well with the world.

VOICE (from window):

–WORK TODAY?

2: We’re inside the bedroom behind that window. Lying in the bed are two of our characters, PETER SMITH and CARRIE WILLOWS; Carrie is a pretty girl in her late twenties, with short red hair, and a slightly bohemian air to her; she’s wearing an over-sized t-shirt. Peter, a seriously good-looking guy, is a year or two older than her with dark hair. Both of them are just genuinely happy to be sharing each others space.

The room is a pretty neat looking, but modern bedroom. There’s some prints on the wall, a partially open closet, and odd pieces of clothing (socks etc) are scattered on the floor; a dresser sits next to Peter’s side of the bed with all the usual things. Peter’s jacket is draped over the bedpost; it’s a black leather one, three quarter length.

PETER:

NO, THOUGHT I’D TAKE THE DAY OFF FOR, YOU KNOW, THAT WHOLE ANNIVERSARY THING.

CARRIE:

YOU REMEMBERED?

3: Peter lays on top of Carrie, smiling a smile that she returns. They’re genuinely happy to be there together.

PETER:

‘COURSE I REMEMBERED. TWO YEARS AGO TODAY I FOUND THE WOMAN I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.

 

CARRIE:

OH, YEAH? DO I KNOW HER?

 

PETER:

I’VE GOT A TABLE BOOKED FOR TONIGHT. YOU SHOULD COME ALONG SO YOU CAN MEET HER.

 

CARRIE:

WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE DAY?

PETER:

I’M THINKING…MAYBE A PICNIC IN THE PARK…?

4: Similar panel, but Peter looks down at Carrie quizzically.

PETER:

WHAT?

 

CARRIE:

NOTHING. JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW LUCKY I AM.

5: Carrie gets out of bed. Peter watches her, smiling.

PETER:

YOU, TOO, HUH?

CARRIE:

I’M GOING TO HIT THE SHOWER.

6: Peter, out of bed, is rifling through the pockets of his jacket.

CARRIE (off panel):

THAT WAS A HINT, PETER…

PAGE 2:

1: Peter turns around to see Carrie standing in the doorway of the bathroom, smiling devilishly back at him

CARRIE:

… FOR YOU TO COME AND, YOU KNOW, JUMP IN.

 

PETER:

I KNOW, BABY, I KNOW. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?

2: Peter turns back to his jacket as Carrie walks back into the bathroom.

3: Peter pulls a ring box from his pocket.

4: He opens the box and looks at the ring inside, smiling to himself.

5: Something catches his attention outside the window.

6: Peter looks down into the street grimly.

7: On the street outside stands PANDORA, beckoning Peter.

PAGE 3:

1: Peter pulls his jeans on as he talks.

PETER:

CARRIE?

 

PETER:

I’M GOING TO HAVE TO GO OUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, OKAY?

2: In the bathroom. Carrie has the shower door open and is leaning out to talk to a slightly worried looking Peter; he’s pulling his jacket on, over a simple t-shirt.

PETER:

I, uh, JUST GOT A TEXT FROM BOBBY. I HAVE TO GO INTO THE OFFICE.

 

CARRIE:

OKAY.

 

PETER:

I’LL TRY AND BE AS QUICK AS I CAN, OKAY?

3: Carrie and peter kiss.

PETER:

I LOVE YOU.

4: Carrie smiles to herself as Peter leaves the room.

CARRIE:

I KNOW.

PAGE 4:

1: Outside the apartment building. Peter stands on the busy sidewalk looking at Pandora. He doesn’t look happy about seeing her, but there’s a determination about him.

Around him, people go about their daily business, completely oblivious to what’s going on.

2: Peter stands next to Pandora, looking her directly in the eye, as if to make his point. He’s seriously pissed off, but she fixes him with a steely glare: she’s all business.

PETER:

PANDORA.

 

PETER:

I ALMOST DIDN’T RECOGNISE YOU WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.

PANDORA:

YOU KNOW WHY I’M HERE.

3: Peter looks down at the ground, deciding on his next choice of words. Pandora waits patiently.

4: Similar panel.

PETER:

YES.

5: Peter walks away Pandora. She raises a questioning eyebrow.

PETER:

NOT HERE.

PAGE 5:

1: Back in the apartment with Carrie now. She’s in the bedroom, a towel wrapped around her (and another

around her head, dancing happily to some tune on the stereo.

CAPTION:

TWO YEARS!

 

CAPTION:

I MEAN, WHERE DID ALL THE TIME GO?

2: Carrie falls back on the bed.

CAPTION:

I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM NOW.

 

CAPTION:

IT’S LIKE – GOD THIS IS SUCH A CLICHÉ – BUT IT’S LIKE I FOUND THE MISSING PIECE WITH PETE. HE’S JUST…

 

CAPTION:

GREAT!

3: Carrie lies on her back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, a huge grin on her face.

CAPTION:

I WONDER IF…

 

CARRIE:

HEH.

 

CAPTION:

WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK HIM TO MARRY ME?

 

CARRIE:

PETER, WOULD YOU DO ME THE GREAT HONOUR OF BEING MY HUSBAND?

4: Carrie giggles to herself happily.

CAPTION:

C’MON, GIRL, ONE SURPRISE AT A TIME.

PAGE 6:

1: Back outside. We’re in Central Park now, with Pandora and Peter. It’s a busy day, and people are out and about, walking their dogs, jogging, having romantic strolls etc.

Peter pleads with Pandora, trying to get her to see his side of things, but she just looks at him sceptically.

PETER:

I’VE CHANGED, PANDORA.

PANDORA:

I CAN SEE THAT. I THOUGHT YOU HAD SCALES AND HORNS.

 

PETER:

NO, NO, I MEAN I HAVE A JOB HERE, FRIENDS, A LIFE.

2: Pandora, arms at her sides, clenches her fists, expecting a fight. Peter waves a hand at her, dismissing what she’s saying.

PANDORA:

YOU’RE GOING BACK IN THE BOX.

 

PETER:

DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

3: Peter turns his back to Pandora, eyes closed. Pandora looks shocked by the confession.

PETER:

PANDORA… I MET SOMEONE. I…

 

PETER:

I LOVE HER.

4: Similar panel. Pandora looks thoughtful for a moment.

5: Peter turns around and pleads with Pandora, but she just looks at him with a steely determination. She doesn’t care.

PANDORA:

EVEN IF I DID BELIEVE YOU, I CAN’T ALLOW A DEMON TO RUN AROUND FREE.

 

PETER:

I’VE DONE NOTHING FOR ALL THE TIME I’VE BEEN HERE EXCEPT TRY AND LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!

 

PANDORA:

YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.

 

PANDORA:

I WON’T LET YOU RUIN SOME POOR GIRL’S LIFE.

6: Peter yells at Pandora, indignant. Around them, people wonder what’s going on as they walk by.

PETER:

RUIN HER LIFE?!

PETER:

IN THE TIME I’VE BEEN WITH HER, ALL I’VE WANTED IS TO MAKE HER HAPPY!

 

PANDORA:

YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.

 

PANDORA:

YOU’RE GOING BACK IN THE BOX.

PAGE 7:

1: Peter clenches his fists together, his anger at the situation rising.

PETER (small):

NO.

2: Peter throws a punch at Pandora, but as he does, his arm changes into that of a demon. Use as many panels as needed here to make the change.

PETER:

LEAVE– US–

3: Huge panel. Peter is now in his true form, a big (but not huge) demon. His fist thunders into Pandora knocking her off her feet.

PETER:

– ALONE!

PAGE 8:

1: Back to Carrie now. She’s pulling on a t-shirt, getting ready to go out.

CAPTION:

THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE IT ALL JUST SEEMS…RIGHT.

2: Carrie looks up as a sound from outside catches her attention.

CAPTION:

WE CAN USE THIS AS A WHOLE NEW START.

 

CAPTION:

MAYBE FINALLY GET OUT OF THE CITY.

3: She stands at the window, watching police cars scream past, through the city traffic.

CAPTION:

THERE’S TOO MUCH…WEIRDNESS HERE.

PAGE 9:

1: Peter holds Pandora by the throat with both of his claws, choking her.

PETER:

DAMN YOU, PANDORA! DAMN YOU FOR MAKING ME DO THIS!

2: Pandora slams her knee between Peter’s legs, making him let go of her.

PANDORA:

I ALREADY AM DAMNED!

3: Pandora punches Peter in the jaw savagely. In the background of the scene, we can see people watching, stunned. Some cops stand with their guns drawn and their jaws open at the scene in front of them.

PANDORA:

DAMNED TO MAKE SURE THAT CREATURES LIKE YOU DON’T WALK THIS WORLD!

4: Pandora kicks the side of Peter’s head, but the demon blocks it with his wrist.

PETER:

I’VE MADE A LIFE FOR MYSELF, PANDORA!

5: Peter punches Pandora hard in the face.

PETER:

I’VE RENOUNCED EVERYTHING I AM FOR HER!

6: Peter stands over Pandora, menacingly, ready to put her on her ass again if he has to.

PETER:

WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?

PAGE 10:

1: Pandora kicks out, smacking her feet into Peter’s knees.

PETER:

AAARRRRRGGGHH!!

2: Peter lays on the ground, holding his knees in absolute agony. Pandora stands over him now, looking even more menacing than he did a moment ago.

PANDORA:

YOU’RE A DEMON.

3: Pandora takes a tight grip on one of Peter’s horns.

PANDORA:

I WON’T ALLOW YOU FREE REIGN HERE.

4: Pandora rips the horn from Peter’s head, leaving him screaming in agony.

PAGE 11:

1: Close on Pandora’s hand as her dagger appears there.

2: Close up of Peter looking up pitifully.

PETER (small):

I LOVE YOU, CARRIE.

3: Pandora strikes the dagger down into the top of Peter’s head.

4: Peter vanishes, banished to the box.

5: Pandora walks away through the gathered and gawping crowd, pleased that her job is done.

PAGE 12:

1: Back in the apartment with Carrie again. She’s in the bathroom, in front of the sink, looking at herself in the bathroom mirror mounted on a cabinet.

CAPTION:

WE’VE NEVER REALLY TALKED ABOUT IT.

 

CAPTION:

IT’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS WE SEEM TO CONSTANTLY DANCE AROUND.

2: She opens the cabinet and reaches in for something.

CAPTION:

I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT IT’S SOMETHING HE NEVER REALLY WANTED, THOUGH.

CAPTION:

I WONDER HOW HE’LL TAKE IT?

3: Carrie looks down at the thing in her hand, smiling, but we can’t see it yet.

CAPTION:

JESUS, I CAN HARDLY GET MY OWN HEAD AROUND IT!

4: Close up of what Carrie’s holding: it’s a positive pregnancy test.

CAPTION:

I’M GOING TO BE A MOM!